Saturday, July 27, 2013

Theological Consistency.....Letting our actions echo our beliefs

Let me start by saying this post will probably offend some of you.  This is not my intent, but I do realize offense is an unavoidable bi product of this post.  Why you may ask?  In the past month many of you have innocently said things to Carrie or I that can bring great offense if we let it.  These comments are simple and come from a loving place, but they get to the heart of a problem in many of our churches today.  Simply put, our comments and actions are not consistent with the theology we proclaim.

The easiest way to explain is simply to reveal the comment that has been made by so many people in the past month.  That comment: "How do like parenthood?" or "Is being parent what you thought it would be?"  or any other variation on that question.  It seems like for everyone in our lives, we have just now become parents because we have held Shiloh in our arms.  There seems to be this belief that the process of labor is what makes someone a parent.  This seeming belief goes right against a theology most of these same individuals claim to believe.

Most of our friends in the Evangelical circle hold to the belief that life begins at conception.  Carrie and I both hold to this belief.  We understand this concept more profoundly than most people.  Because we believe this, we know we have been parents for 10 years now.  The problem most of us have is that Carrie and I never had the chance to hold our first 2 children.  They were named. Beautiful names, Abigail Grace and Bethany Teresa.  They are loved just as much as Shiloh is loved.  Yes, we have parents for 10 years.  The difference is while other parents got to experience the joys and triumphs of birth, growth, and development, Carrie and I only got to experience the pain, heartache, and loneliness of loss.

In my eyes, that makes us parents even more than  many people who have lots of children.  It's easy getting all the good stuff.  It is devastating only having the bad, only experiencing loss.  Yes, we will experience different parts of parenthood now, but that does not mean we have just become parents.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  When you say things like those that have been said to us in the past month, it hurts.  It feels as if our first 2 children weren't important enough for us to be considered parents.  In some ways it feels as if their memory is being defiled.

I do not say these things to offend you or hurt you.  I want you to be informed.  I want to learn to begin to choose your words carefully when dealing with people.  Next time Mother's Day or Father's Day rolls around, remember those in your life who have children who didn't make it here.  Think before you speak to someone about parenthood, and ask yourself if your actions and words are consistent with the belief that you hold.  In times like these, our words can either heal or kill the spirit of a man or woman who is hurting.  If our theology is consistent with our actions, great healing can occur in those who have experienced great loss.

Please understand you have not offended us because we have grown from that place and realize your words come from a place of love, but do learn from what I have said because many couples have not reached that place.  Your words may be the difference between them finding solace in Jesus or loneliness in the world.

Since I have never said it out loud.  Abigail Grace and Bethany Teresa, Daddy loves and misses you. Tell Nanny and Poppy I love them and miss them too.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Sexy Purity?

This is the follow up to my blog post Modesty Revisited.  I know you may reading the title and thinking that sexy purity is an out and out oxymoron.  For that reason, I followed up the title with a question mark.  Is sexy purity even something that is possible?  Should we push for the idea of sexy purity?  I believe the answer is yes to both questions, but it will take some work to get there.

To begin, we must redefine terms to mean something other than what our culture declares.  What is the meaning of the word sexy?  Meriam-Webster gives two definitions of sexy, and I began to ask why.  When did sexy become a word that means more than one thing?  Is the word sexy an objective word?  Why was my first instinct to look in the dictionary to define the word sexy?  Don't I know what the word means?  I am 36 years old, happily married, and have a child.  Surely I know the meaning of the word sexy.  So, I threw out the meanings found in the dictionary and our culture for my own definition.

In the end, I believe sexy is a completely subjective idea that exists only in the mind of each individual.  In essence, each individual defines what sexy is.  What one person considers sexy, someone else may not.  Yes, there are some people who everyone will say is sexy, but there are those individuals who go against the flow and don't find those people sexy.  I read an article yesterday about a survey done of men and who their perfect woman is.  As expected, most men picked the bombshell type as their desire physically, but when the overall results were in, the girl next door with her personality and charm won out the best girlfriend ideal.  What does this tell us about sexy in our culture?

Obviously sexy must deal with certain aspects of who a person is.  Sexy must have something to do with attractiveness.  It must also have something to do with desire.  But must sexy always have something to do with sex?  That may be a stupid question.  You may be thinking, "Duh!  3/4 of the word is sex!"  But does sexy have to be about sex in the way our world has made it about sex?

In our world, sexy has come to be defined as that quality that makes you want to get naked with someone.  Sorry about the visual, but that is it.  In order to be seen that way, many members of the female persuasion have taken to showing as much nakedness as they can in order to arouse the curiosity of their intended suitor.  These same ladies partake in behavior that they believe will make them more appealing.  To put it in the words of one youth, "Sexy equals doable."  Why must it mean that?

In the end, I believe sexy has come to mean what it does due to a failure in our society.  When sex becomes something you do for fun with whoever you want without a commitment, sexy has no choice but to break down.  At this point, people cease to be people and become menu choices.  People begin to act like the world is one big buffet of people to try and cast aside if you don't like them.  This lack of commitment leads to a breakdown of relationships.  In that context sexy is going to be equated with that quality that gets me into bed with the person I desire to sleep with.

But what if sex were viewed at a higher level? What if sex was the expression of love it was meant to be in a life-long, committed, godly relationship?  What does sexy mean in those parameters?  I believe in that case sexy becomes the quality of an individual that would make them someone you could share your life with.  This isn't a definition of sex as purely carnal pleasure.  This is a definition of sex as that ultimate conduit of intimate communication.  That moment when two souls become one and the needs of each emotionally and physically are met.  That does not happen in a one night stand.  It doesn't happen in a teenage love affair.  It happens in those couples who work hard to be the completion of their partner in every aspect of life.  So what if we defined redefined sexy as the quality or qualities of an individual that make them a person you can share your life with?

All at once, sexy is not about sex because there are couples who cannot have intercourse for various reasons who share their lives and have true intimacy for decades.  I guarantee these couples would believe their spouse is sexy, but they would not be defining sexy as the world defines sexy.  Their definition may be one that says sexy is the quality that makes them complete me.

So why don't we now begin redefining sexy?  Why don't we take back the glorious gift of sexuality from our creator from those who have sought to mar it?  Why can't we start teaching those around us that sexy has nothing to do with lust, nakedness, or lewd behavior and everything to do with pure and godly qualities that make someone a good choice to spend our life with?  If we redefine sexy to mean the quality of an individual that would make them someone you could share your life with, how much more uplifting and inspiring is that to someone you call sexy.  All at once sexy goes from being a derogatory statement of non-personhood to the greatest statement of worth about a person.  I am not suggesting we start calling people sexy.  I am simply working to redefine this aspect of our personhood.

If sexy is defined in this way, you can have sexy purity.  The funny thing most guys don't tell girls is they want to have sex with you, but they want to marry a virgin.  I was youth minister for too long asking the questions during straight talk sessions, and I never once had a guy say I want to marry the girl who slept around.  Without fail, they all wanted a girl who had remained pure.  And if that is their true desire, there is nothing that can make a girl sexy (my new definition) more than purity.

So, while I may have rambled, I do believe sexy purity is possible.  In the next few posts, I hope to explore how those terms can be re-imagined in our churches and our society.  Basically, if we redefine sexy in this way, how does a person act and dress to be the individual of desire?