11 days.....

11 days.....

It's not such a big number, but in my family it has huge significance.  In 11 days, everything changes.

11 days until we lose a bit of freedom.

11 days until we lose a bit of time.

11 days until everything changes.

In 11 days, my first born child begins preschool.  This day is a day his momma had dreaded for months.  On that day, we will dress our little man in his first day of school clothes, take a few pictures, and drop him off in the care of someone else for the majority of the day.  In a very real sense, we are losing something on that day.

It's 11 days that make me want to pack the car and drive off to somewhere unexpected.  11 days that make me want to fill them with everything we had planned to do that life kept us from doing.  Until this point in our lives, my little family has enjoyed a bit of freedom.  We could go whenever we needed or wanted.  We went everywhere together.  I was hardly ever on the road alone.  Now, that will change.

In 11 days, our schedule will be dictated by the school calendar.  Vacations will not be in the off season.  I will not have the luxury of going into the office late so he and I can lay in bed talking about whatever crazy thing is on his mind.  Gone are the days of watching wrestling together on Tuesday morning on Hulu.  Gone are the days of surprise middle of the week trips to the donut shop or Walmart, or Chuck E. Cheese, or anywhere else we deemed appropriate to go.  In so many ways, it seems we are losing a lot.

This isn't the first time we have struggled with this type of feelings.  19 months ago we experienced the exact same crisis of identity as the date for our second child to arrive approached.  On that day we would go from being the miracle family of 3 to a blossoming family of 4.  As we approached that date, we were both excited and apprehensive about the changes that would come.  We feared the changes that would come and mourned the life we were losing because we loved the family we were, but the blessings that have come with that second birth have wiped away all of those fears and taken away our mourning.

In that change, we watched as our little boy became a little man and a big brother who loves his sister fiercely.  We watched a dynamic grow between these two products of our love that I often sit and watch with amazement.  Yes, we lost something with the birth of that little girl, but we gained so much more.

As I think about these changes, my mind travels to that conversation Jesus had so many times with His disciples - the talk about what was to come.  I am specifically drawn to the conversation in John 16:5-7.  There Jesus says, "But now I am going away to Him who sent Me, and not one of you asks Me, ‘Where are You going?’ Yet, because I have spoken these things to you, sorrow has filled your heart. Nevertheless, I am telling you the truth. It is for your benefit that I go away, because if I don’t go away the Counselor will not come to you. If I go, I will send Him to you."  The disciples were looking at the biggest change they had ever experienced.

They had always known Jesus with them.  He was there, in their midst, teaching, laughing, loving, healing, and living.  They had been a part of his ministry and miracles.  If they didn't understand a teaching, they could just turn to him and ask what that meant.  Now, Jesus is saying he is going away, and things are going to change.  

I can only imagine their fear and dread as they thought about these words.  What would they do with Jesus gone?  How would they function?  How would His kingdom come about?  Most of all, how would they live without their friend, teacher, and master?

The truth is they were losing the physical presence of Jesus in their lives, but Jesus was assuring them they were gaining so much more.  With Jesus physically there, he was in one spot.  When the Spirit came, he was all places at all times.  The power Jesus showed and shared now was poured out upon those same disciples.  Their ministry and their relationship with each other and with Jesus was strengthened through this change.  What the disciples could only imagine as a bad thing was, in the end, the greatest blessing Jesus could ever give.  What they saw as a loss was really the greatest gain in history.

So it goes many times in our lives.  So it will go in 11 days.  Yes, we are losing a part of our life that we can never get back, but what we will gain can outweigh that which we lose.  We may lose time with the boy, but we gain one on one time with the girl.  We may lose the freedom to go whenever we like, but we can gain a better appreciation for the time we spend together.  There may be a thousand other things we think we are losing, but there are thousand more we are gaining.  11 days......

11 days until we feel the pride of a son who succeeds apart from us.

11 days until we see the joy in a child's eyes as he begins something he has longed for.

11 days until he begins to find himself more and more each day.

11 days until we begin to see blessings we never imagined.

11 days until I understand the disciples even more.

So, for the next 11 days I will try to look forward to the blessings to come rather than the losses I fear.  In the end, I know that Jesus loves me, and I know Jesus loves my son.  Better than that, he has promised that he will work through all things for the good of those who love Him.  Thank you, Jesus, for the changes that come in our lives that force us to lean into you.